But I found this too funny not to share. (Just to clarify people I did not write this. Someone else did!)
A disgruntled “Escort” rants on Craigs list…..On with the RANTS!
Issue #1:
I have to voice this in the loudest possible way because I STILL get it…and I quote “I want to please you, to make YOU cum….tell me what you like…that’s all I want…”….If you gave me what I wanted it would be 5 bills and the sight of your back on the way out the door. Why are clients SO damn concerned with ‘making me cum’? The fact that they say they are only there to please me really really annoys the FUCK out of me. They are there to masturbate into me, and this is VERY different, ladies and gentlemen, from making love with your significant other. So guy’s please, who the FUCK are you kidding? We are emotional creatures, and just a little more complicated then just you plugging away at us and expecting for us to ‘cum’. Gross
Let’s just say ENOUGH with the solemn face and ‘serious talk’ after the session. You insisted I not put a raincoat on you when my mouth went down to the unknown, we wore protection (as I always do), and yet after the session you say “I’m OK right……?…..your clean?” Let’s define ‘clean’ as you put it. Do I take showers everyday? Yes. Do I get STD tested every 3 months? Yes. Do I always use condoms? Yes. Did I see 10 other clients that same week or even day as you? Yes. And 98% all went down on me. Now, even if I was completely honest with you, I can almost swear all those guys I saw in just this last week were not completely honest with me. Do I know this and still take the risk? Yes, and I am still an escort. I know stats, and educate myself immensly on health safety issues…sounds like you don’t but still see me….hmmmm…there has to be some level of responsibility that you take on when you see me….GET IT FUCK STICK?
NO, you cannot FUCK me without a condom. (Fact: I get this question about 1/50 people)…And needless to say THAT IS FUCKING GROSS! How many other escorts have you asked this question, that actually LET YOU!!?? You know what this means to me? That you have NOTHING to lose…as in for example “well fuck, I have _________(insert v.d here) already so why the hell not?” and that is fucking scary.
Fact: 90% of the men I see ARE married. (and quite honestly we probably make them better husbands, there wives don’t have to fuck them…they pay us…everyone is happy!)
And I quote again “ I’m married…..is that ok?” Why would it matter? It’s preferred. It hopefully means you have a life and will leave me the fuck alone after the session. Plus, how insulting is that question. As if I escort to find meaningful relationships with trustworthy men. Note to every dumb fuck out there….I am not looking for single men to date, better if you are involved.
I don’t care if other girls like it or “actually prefer it” (or that bullshit line you are feeding me), you CANNOT cum on my face, around it, in my mouth, or even near it. Put your legs up on the wall and flip them by your head, that way you can shoot it at your own face ya dip shit.
To the guys who have escorts girlfriends: Quit fucking acting like you have me all figured out. Do not lump me into the category of your trashy escort girlfriend who charges $200/hr. for full service. And goes by the handle “_________(insert name here) of Denver”. I charge $500 minimum now, because after the year of being at the bottom I now understand my self worth. She has been in the business 10 years and you think she is a top provider…..quit making me laugh. My chosen name also has a bit more thought process to it….then debbie does denver. Do not think you ‘know’ the escort community. If you and her have fucked up underlying problems because you know she fucks SOO MANY guys (gotta make those dollars) to support your loser ass…well don’t take it out on me. You’re a fucking idiot.
Ok guys, hygiene talk. Your breath smells of dog shit, maybe you know who you are…maybe not. BUT Guys please please please brush your teeth, wear deordant. Also when we are in missionary and your fat, short, bald-headed self is sweating to death on top of me, remember, I don’t like it you have no hair to refrain your sweat from falling in my face. Drape a sweat towel over your shoulders, that way when you’re half-way done jacking off inside me you can wipe your face and save me from your disgusting sweat fluids dropping all over my face!
Farting is disgusting and unacceptable on my part, but…then why do you do it? How fucking old or drunk are you that you don’t even say excuse me when you break wind?? Next time one of you assholes tries to lick my ass again, I’m cutting one loose. I already told you to keep your fingers and tounge out of my ass!
Oh yes….dry fingers HURT. Did you actually think over the last 2 minutes you gave me a wet slicky down there? Once I saw you I knew only alcohol would get me remotely turned on, and since you provided NONE of that, stop trying to shove your dry ass fingers in my gine. It’s called Lube, fuck stick.
I HATE HATE HATE men which big lizard size dicks. You could say I have a smaller vagina, or even a short canal. But I have been split before while you ram away and it puts me out of work for at least a week. Your blacklisted you fuckheads, I don’t like to be gutted or feel like my insides are bruising while you pound away with that meaty cock of yours. I hate you. If you came in 2 minutes, I think I would be fine….BUT noooo your stupid ass must have taken viagara so you could ‘last’ the ENTIRE goddamn time. Listen asshole, no one fucks the ENTIRE time. It’s not normal. If they did my cunt would fucking fall off….all you big guys out there..you only get 2 minutes before I become hostile. How about if I beat your dick off lubeless with a piece of sandpaper for 60minutes…how would you like that? fuck you guys.
Wait, the all time favorite hilarious priceless quote “ Let’s go on a REAL date sometime…..” does that mean you want to hang out with me for free?……ha……ha…..ha….(choke)….ha….ha…I’m choking how hard I’m laughing… Anyways, moving on..
Since we talked about big dicks, lets talk about limp dicks….nothing wrong with ‘em, they are cute little guys. However, the limp dick and I come at odds when you are still attempting to thrust inside me and the condom is falling off. Thus leaving it inside me. Just STOP, don’t fucking try anymore. Its not going to happen and I don’t want ANY piece of your dick skin touching me at all down there. Would you like a hand job?
And that brings me to my next point, why do you have to thrust sooo deep that you go past the shaft part of the condom? I rolled that baby down as far as I could and you still want your disgusting dick skin to touch me somehow. Just STOP, your dick doesn’t get longer the more you shove it in! You are just annoying me.
For the guys who want to “see my face” picture before I meet them, knowing very well I don’t show my face on the website. Fuck off. I have a fucking beautiful face and I KNOW it. Everyone loves my face, maybe too much. It is how I am successful and can pull in 5,000 a week. If I had a butt ass ugly face like you do, do you think I would still be charging $500 for the fucking hour? I KNOW my face and general appearance is fucking fantastic and I use it to my advantage.
Sure you can make out with my foot for an hour. No I will not wrap a rubber band around your penis head several times to help you not cum. You want me to dig my nails into your balls??
Don’t fucking squeeze my sides so hard you leave fingertip bruises! My boyfriend will see those!
I keep everything that is handed to me….don’t fucking ask me for change dip shit.
Green makes me smile and love you more : )
Hold your belly up when we are in doggy style it makes a fart-slapping noise if you don’t. I was kind enough to pull your belly back to find your dick just 5 minutes ago when I was on top….
I honestly laugh when you ask me why my skin is so soft. Let me tell you my routine. I am a bit obsessive compulsive when I comes to flesh to flesh skin cells rubbing off on me. I SCRUB myself every night with sugar and anything else I can find that is abrasive enough to make my skin raw. This is to get your distgusting skin cells and germs off me. Every time you touch me I think I will be expecially scrubbing that area extra hard tonight…your ‘soft’ touches make my skin crawl ya dirty old fucks.
Why is it I expect the worst when a client walks in or I show up? Ok so you have a gimpy arm that is shorter then the other arm with knubs for fingers and a bit deformed. Even your elfish body and rounded chest sets you apart from other guys. You need love too. Since no one but me will fuck ya, I go at it bravely. But why WHY WHY do you have to be so creepy with that arm? I tried to ignore it, and you then proceed to touch me with it and call them your “special fingers” and then shove your knubly deformed half fingered hand into my vagina trying to ‘pleasure’ me. Not only does that creep me out, but it really makes me wonder what karma I have put out for you to show up at my door. Why must I be punished? Therapy….I need it…
Stop drooling in my mouth and learn how to kiss….why is your tounge so fat? I can’t believe I just let him go down on me with those rotten ass teeth…I guess it was better then him trying to make out with me…..Gentlemen red onions are offensive…expecially on your breath!…I can’t stop staring at the bats in your cave…
No I will NOT dominate you, you are looking in the WRONG god damn section of EROS. You want ‘BDSM’ not “female escorts”. I DON’T get off sticking things in your ass and making you cross-dress. You couldn’t pay me enough….well maybe, but you’re a bunch of cheap bastards also, so fuck off. I want triple what I charge hourly.
Repeat, we are NOT dating. I am not your girlfriend. Stop thinking you are cool enough for me to be here if there was no money involved. I wouldn’t even fart your way unless you paid me. Much less show up and just “hang-out”. Don’t fucking tell me you love me, 3 clients this week already beat you to it.
Cunt Eating….for the so-called “experts” Rule #1 Don’t spead my lips apart with your hands so far that they tear the inner soft skin on the vagina….how about I pull your pee hole in two different directions…hmmm?? It would rip the sides…wouldn’t it ? Fuck stick?? Rule #2 Don’t suck my clit and labia up into your mouth and catch it on your teeth…..lets say I rake my teeth over your cock? Wouldn’t that feel great?? Rule #3 Keep your tounge on the top or the bottom. The middle of my vagina is my pee hole…I don’t know about you but tounging my pee hole is NOT a turn on….it burns. Rule #4 Lick on TOP of the hood not under. There are 4,000 neves on my clit and it feels WAYYYY to sensitive. Kinda like your cock, JUST after you cum. With that said 80% of guys really really give bad head. That is just my personal observation.
If you ask to extend in the middle of a session, because you are just IN LOVE with me…as most usually are…then make sure you have enough to cover the time used buddy! You can’t refund my time asshole, and just because I didn’t want to get up and talk about business when you asked to extend in my compromising position…don’t take advantage of it and bring less then you think you will spend! Dumb fucks…
On a happy end note…I DO have to give some credit to the normal guys. The married ones who are stuck in a marriage and are very attractive and could literally get any younger female they wanted, but stay for the kids. Also the non- freaks, losers, ass-face, deformed, hanicapped, overly obese …etc..guys. who have a charming way about them, but decided not to pursue relationships they are not ready to commit to. I salute and respect you. Because you and I both know you can get an attractive girl, who is unsuspecting and sweet and thinks the best of people, to go home with you after you feed her lies just to get into her pants, and then act as if you care for awhile until the sex gets old then throw her out on her relationship wanting ass. Get smart ladies! Stop sleeping around and not using condoms half the time. Fact: My non escort girlfriends hardly ever use condoms…I yell at them. They are so slack….and I use to be. BUT I have learned, Men go after what you want. I understand my relationship to you is a client, provider on and there are no gray lines. That is what you are there for, and so am I. You, fantasy porn-star sex…me-benjamin franklins…and it works out.
SO STOP ASKING ME MY REAL FUCKING NAME!!!!! It’s none of your fucking business…this is a fantasy I fulfill for you…stop making it so fucking personal. I’m NOT your fucking girlfriend/wife (or want to be)….I’m just a sweet face…..
